Bemused Amusement

In the last couple of days, I’ve watched not one, but TWO cheesy 80’s action flicks, the kind that, as time goes on, grow more and more hilarious. And folks, we’re laughing AT them, not with them. First, I watched Jaws: The Revenge on my parent’s movie channel (so, not edited, no commercials), and it was the funniest non-comedy I’ve seen in ages. I need to take a second to explain the plot here: the shark that keeps hunting people off the coast of Amity Island has returned, 15 years later, to hunt the remaining members of the Brody family. Now, let’s say, for a moment, that I’m wiling to buy into the idea that sharks can hunt specific people. Yes, this is obviously ridiculous, but movies come out with bullshit animal characteristics all the time, like that the T-rex couldn’t see movement (sorry to burst your bubble, people) or that gorillas evolved into crazy-ass human killers in the Congo. You can always make up a reason why an animal “mutated” or “evolved.” Watch, I’ll do it right now: A scientist has posited the theory that the shark’s sense of smell is so refined, that they can even track people over long distances and trace specific bloodlines. If dogs can smell some kinds of cancer (true!), this is also totally possible.

See? I just made that up, and it’s good enough to base an 80’s action movie on. But does this movie come up with even a half-ass reasoning behind the shark’s people-specific stalking? Noooooo. Still, let’s say for a moment that I’m willing to believe the shark can smell Brodys. I cannot accept that the shark keeps coming back to life. And that IS the theory, according to Ellen Brody. Did the shark have babies that wanted vengeance? Nope. Was the shark scientifically cloned, only to hunt down the people who killed its prototype? No again. The writers were too lazy to even come up with something as weak as that. It’s the same shark, folks. It managed to survive being blown apart from the inside not once, not twice, but three times, regenerate itself once again, and then go hunt down some Brodys. Awesome.

I also have to take a moment here to consider the possibility that the Brodys had it coming. Do you have any idea how many times someone in “Jaws: The Revenge” goes “They’re specifically trying to kill you and your family!” and then the other guy is like “Oh, no! I better go ahead and get in the water anyway!” Come on, people. Why haven’t you all moved to Kansas? Or Arizona? There are no sharks in Phoenix, I can assure you.

If that DID happen, though, I still have a plan for Jaws 6. The remaining members of the Brody family move to Phoenix, where the little girl from “The Revenge” grows up and becomes a teacher. One day she takes her third-grade class to the nearby aquarium, but little does she know that Jaws has gone undercover, allowing himself to be captured in the wild and shipped to this specific aquarium, just for the occasion. The granddaughter leans forward to look at the sharks, and Jaws SWIMS STRAIGHT INTO THE CLASS! AHHHH! Then the ghost of Roy Schneider shows up….actually, I probably shouldn’t reveal any more of my screenplay. Let’s just say it’s “in development.” It’ll be called “Jaws: Attack of the Aquarium!” WITH the exclamation point.

Hmm, it’s late now and I did want to write for a few minutes before bed. More on my second 80’s movie tomorrow.